Doubts, procrastination, loneliness, loss of motivation, empty pages… Or as a friend of mine said to me: “Congratulations to reaching an important milestone in the career of every author: the writer’s block!” (:
I skipped writing the last newsletter, because I could not report any progress. But if people always only write about how strong they are, how well things go, how much they do, others will believe that’s how they should be as well, which is not healthy in my opinion. So I decided to write about my past month of “screwing up”, because it is part of the journey and it is also a strength to admit weakness.
The past month wasn’t very productive for 3 main reasons: poor mental health, holidays and now Covid.
It all started with reading too many well-meant advises about how to write a good story. My innocent approach of I’ll-just-write-for-fun was replaced by is-this-good-enough-for-my-readers and completely hindered me from performing. On top, since my research was more or less done, I spend the days in my room, which led to feeling more lonely every day. Even going to the boulder hall wasn’t really helping much, as Swedish people don’t tend to mingle a lot. They were there in their own groups of friends, so it made me feel even more lonely. The long winter with constantly frozen streets did not help to raise the mood either. I wondered what I am doing here, what I wanted to do any way and where I wanted to be in the first place. But I could not find an answer. So I got caught up in this feeling of neither having a home nor an identity and spiraled downwards. I even cancelled my apartment here, since I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay.
Luckily, I had already booked a trip to a snowkite camp in Hardangervidda in Norway for a long time and although I really did not feel in the mood for it, I forced myself to go and it was awesome! Although travelling and the lax Corona measures there were for sure a risk for my physical health, it was the very best I could do for my deteriorated mental health. Suddenly, I was surrounded by people again that were welcoming, I went out in the sun and snow and nature, enjoyed the breathtaking vastness of the landscapes, did sports and got plenty of inspiration for book 3 of the Time & Memories series. Besides interesting conversations, I also just had lots of fun. And honestly, sometimes it can just be so wholesome to cuddle with a stranger. Why are we always so distant, while all of us are sometimes just craving some physical contact?
But as could almost be expected, after 2 years of avoiding it, this trip finally got me Covid. I managed to return to Stockholm, but now again, I am stuck in my little oppressive room here in quarantine. Due to the vacation, I don’t have much food at home, going shopping is out of question and honestly, I don’t feel fresh enough to try to figure out how to do online grocery shopping here. On top, I am now facing the problem that I have to leave my apartment in 2 days, since I had cancelled the contract. I get refused for apartment requests probably due to the short rental time frame. Living on budget this year, I don’t feel like staying in a costly hotel for an undefinite time. So, I’ll probably be sleeping in my car for a couple of days until I am over Covid and have the strength again to tackle my life and to decide what I’ll do now. Stay here for a couple of weeks longer, before going to the US or travelling throughout Sweden or going back to Germany?
When do I think I’ll be able to continue writing on my book? I need to find at least some temporary impression of stability, before my head is free enough to focus on that. Right now I feel more like I am in survival mode…
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